As I'm nearing the end of my time in Ottawa, I've been reflecting a lot on my decision to move back to Edmonton and I've come to a conclusion: I'm f***ing terrified.
This isn't to say that I've made the wrong decision or that Edmonton isn't a great city; I love Edmonton. The area holds so much significance for me because of my ancestry, the communities I've been a part of, and the relationships that have shaped me throughout my childhood. I'm just very aware that unlike the last time I moved back home (after living in Dublin for 11 months – check out my travel blog for stories during my time there), a move that I knew was temporary, this move may very well be permanent. At least, I'm moving back with the intention that it is permanent this time, which is, as I put it so delicately before, f***ing terrifying.
I'm not the kind of person who likes to be tied down, doing the same things all the time. I'm a Chandler I like to see and experience new things, meet new people, take on new projects. It's why I like theatre so much. Putting on a show is tough, intense, extremely passionate work, but when one project ultimately ends another isn't lurking so far behind. Heck, if I wasn't so convinced that Ukrainian Catholicism is the true faith, I would probably totally be into reincarnation, enjoying getting to try out different lives for all eternity. With all this in mind, then, I am nervous to be going back home, back to the house I grew up in and spent the first 23 consecutive years of my life, back to my friends and other family members, back to the theatre community I never felt like I truly belonged in.
There's the rub. I've never felt like I truly belonged in Edmonton; in fact, in the past I've felt suffocated by it. Yet here I am, going back to face the music, as it were. The remarkable thing is the moment I felt myself resist the tug to move back I knew precisely what my right decision was going to be. It's so much easier being somewhere you feel comfortable, much harder facing truths you don't want to. When I realized that it would be hard and uncomfortable to go back to Edmonton, I knew I had to go because even if I don't feel like I truly belong to Edmonton, in many ways I do. Even more importantly, I want to. I want to find a way to hone my crafts in the place my ancestors settled 100 years ago in search of a better future for their descendants (plus being in a place where almost everyone knows what Ukrainian dance and pyrohy/pergoies are is helpful). Edmonton has an incredible theatre community and I want to finally take my place in it, because it's just time. I know it's going to be tricky to carve out that place for myself because I've been gone for so long and have these notions of others' preconceived notions about me (oy, that made me dizzy even), but maybe by putting this out into the blogosphere I'll keep myself accountable. Fear becomes redundant when it's not so secret anymore.
So, to take a step in not being afraid to find my way, I'm putting out a plea: I need musicians. There are several songs I'd like to record covers of and I need musicians who can help me by putting together accompaniment for the vocals. I'd really like them to be orchestrations rather than a simple piano accompaniment. I can find sheet music of the piano if that helps, and can direct you to recordings of the original songs so you get an idea of the style and what instruments might be needed. If anyone is interested or has someone they think would be stellar at this, shoot me an email or send me a message on my Facebook page. Any information is greatly appreciated.
Another blog post. C'est finis!